The Self-Licking Ice Cream Cone
Apologies to Mr. Robert Kaplan, as I am borrowing the above term from an article he wrote a few years ago following a visit to Afghanistan. When Mr. Kaplan referred to the “self-licking ice cream cone”, he was specifically referring to Bagram Air Field, which by that time had become swollen with various Army and Air Force support personnel who seemed to have no real impact on the war effort. They basically existed to justify their own existence. Of course, this is no isolated incident, it’s in fact a disturbing trend in recent US military history, and all four branches are guilty.

For instance, there is apparently a Corporals Course being held at Al Asad air base. It seems that the units on Al Asad can not only spare enough Marines to teach this course, but also the students to attend it. Meanwhile, advisor teams such as this one are short handed and must stretch themselves thin trying to accomplish their mission, all while constantly exposed to enemy attack. Not to mention frontline infantry units that are stretched to their limits. How does the corporal from 3rd Battalion 5th Marines feel when he hears that his counterparts have the time to learn drill and sword manual at Al Asad? Meanwhile he is manning an observation post along an Iraqi highway, trying to prevent the emplacement of IEDs in his area of responsibility, all while being subjected to attacks by car bombs, RPGs, and snipers.

About a week ago, I received an e-mail telling me where I could find the Al Asad Base Order regarding traffic regulations. It addresses such key issues as wearing headphones while running and coming to a complete stop at stop signs. There are US servicemembers deployed to Iraq who exist for no other reason than to enforce traffic regulations. I’ll say that again; they get paid hazardous duty pay and collect the combat zone tax exclusion so they can write traffic tickets. They even write parking citations! Our combat forces are stretched thin, but we apparently have no shortage of glorified meter maids? It blows my mind! To top it off, violators must report to the base magistrate. So, again, we are paying a field grade officer how much to sit over here and adjudicate traffic violations!?

All of the talk on the news about troop withdrawal mentions, very specifically, withdrawing “combat” troops. I hope that they are ignorantly lumping everyone together as “combat” troops, instead of planning to withdraw actual combat arms units while allowing the Al Asad Meter Maid Platoon to remain. People ask me if I plan to make the military a career, and then act surprised when I say no. Why, they ask? Because, as much as I love my job on the frontlines and the Marines I serve with there, I can’t stand to wear the same uniform as the people who write up traffic regulations for a base in Iraq. I’ve only been able to stomach it this far because I have remained in combat units and away from those people. But then I see things like e-mails about traffic regulations and Corporals Courses in a supposed combat zone, and I realize that I can’t avoid the self-licking ice cream cone forever.  ¶ Wednesday, June 28, 2006